Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Something I wrote a while back but never posted on my blog 
  Originally written on: May 24, 2011

I am a maniac about making lists. I am writing this post because I thought I want to have a list of qualities to look for in a girl when I get married.

To give you an idea about my obsession with lists, let me tell you I have a:

  • Things to do list.
  • Things to buy/shopping list.
  • Places in the world I want to visit list.
  • Things I want to dabble with (non-serious) list, e.g. teaching, singing etc.
  • Possible (serious) career options list, e.g. food critic, cricket-umpiring, literature critic etc.
  • Girls I’m in love with. No examples here, Its just a singleton set :)
  • People I want to kill list. Again no examples here.

and so on and so forth the list of my lists is kinda endless. I guess you have got a grip…

So let me start with the various factors to be taken into consideration while deciding on the girl, hope to get some volunteers to help me out in my search…

1) Should be good looking: good looking enough that people think “How did he get a girl like her?” or “He must be rich!!”, but not so good looking that she is vain about it.

2) Should write and speak good English: good spelling, grammar (because I suck at it) and pronunciation : good enough that I don’t feel like gouging out my eyes or cutting off my ears when she writes or speaks, but not so good that she can’t / won’t speak in Hindi.

3) Should not be very religious: religious / spiritual enough as to believe in God (atheists/agnostics are fine too), but not so religious that every festival has to be celebrated by doing puja/going to temples.

4) Should have a good financial sense: good enough that she knows when to splurge and when to be a miser, but not so good that when she talks money I feel like a 6 year old getting a quantum mechanics lecture.

5) Should be intelligent: intelligent enough as to carry on a conversation with, without me thinking “Death has got to be easier than this”, but not so intelligent that her IQ is more than her weight (in pounds, relax! — I’m assuming a 50 – 55 kg girl here).

6) Should be well-read: enough so that she knows who J.R.R. Tolkien is, but not so well-read that she could moonlight as a librarian.

7) Should have a good general knowledge: (current affairs / history / geography / sports / movies / music) :
History / geography: good enough that she knows what/where Angkor Wat is, but not so good that she wrote / could write its Wikipedia article.
Movies: good enough that she knows who Christopher Nolan is, but not so good that she tells me what was wrong with “The Dark Knight”.
Sports: good enough that she knows who Narain Karthikeyan is, but not so good that she knows who the F1 world champion was in 1967.
Music: good enough that she knows who Vanessa Mae is (I’m really lucky if anyone passes this test ;) ), but not so good that she knows Yanni’s real name and the difference between a soprano, mezzo-soprano and contralto (yes, I had to google the last one)

8) Should be responsible: responsible and independent enough that she can do the chores on her own, but not so independent that she would rather do them on her own.

9) Should be polite: polite enough that people enjoy talking to her, but not so polite that they can treat her
like a doormat and get away with it. Polite so that people are not scared of her & enjoy her company and non-diplomatic so that she can express her opinions articulately . Some one who says that “I didn’t enjoy that place” rather than saying “This place sucks!!!!!!!”.

10) Should be adventurous: adventurous enough so as to try out new types of food, activities, places to see but not so adventurous that she could be on Woman-vs-wild.

11) Should have an active lifestyle: active enough that on weekends she wants to do something more than just doze, but not so active that she is the energy train and I am (reluctantly) on board. (extra points for getting this reference)

12) Should not be a prude: should have a naughty streak and shouldn’t be afraid to show it.

13) [Most Important] Should make me a better person: by inspiring me or reasoning with me, making an argument I can’t refute, and not by making me feel guilty for who I am.

P.S. If she looks like Charlize Theron, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman or Yvonne Strahovski, all the above points are moo(t).
P.P.S. If you think I am a misogynist for making such a list, please read the words in brackets of the title of this post again, this is my personal preference, this is who/how I am and I am not sorry for it.

P.P.P.S.  This is an old post contents may/may not be valid now


I want to die a Kurt Cobain, or hypothetically a Jack Dawson…

Irony, I can’t do either, I can’t sing and play a guitar like cobain, well neither could I pull a Dawson.. I failed at that front too. No regrets for not dying a Cobain, I never tried those shoes on, but yeah I had my fair share of luck for the latter, no accusations, I blew it up.
Sitting here in my balcony at 1 A.M. in night, watching the few BPO cabs dropping people off at this odd hour of working, It feels like being one of those crazy people staring gloomily at the world, being clueless of what you want from it, or what it want from you…

Sometime I accuse people of being two faced, but off late I feel that I’m the biggest two faced liar of them all, I joke around, attend parties, listen to people, call my mom everyday, talk cool to my brother, and the time I disconnect the phone, I smile to myself.. you pulled it off nicely bud. You crack up some exam, and people congratulate for it, the siblings look up to you, and they say all the good things, but deep down you are thinking, you mug up a couple of months, get some score in some Exam… Big Deal ?? Maybe… but what next.. Still you are the left alone, A fellow sitting alone on such a beautiful night, even the beauty scares you, you feel gloomy, for some unknown reasons.

I ate up some 12 chocolates today, watched entire 11 episodes of The Big Bang Theory without a single smile, listened to the Gothic rock on my iPod. A wonderful laid back Saturday, and still I’m uneasy. “Smile and let the world smile with you” I read in a blog I just started following, Smile… sounds so simple, feels so hard, I can make the world smile, some silly jokes, some witty chit chats, a small hang out with friends, I laugh, mix up well, and by the time you are back to your place, again the same haunting feelings, the same unexplained despair, a feeling of letting people down. I don’t know what I want from life, I have a nice job, money to buy stuff & pay all my bills, still have a decent saving, even that don’t please me any longer. I lack something, I have a longing for something, something even I don’t know, like something is missing, something big. I have stopped writing, haven’t read a book since long, I returned that book I borrowed unread.
Alcohol has stopped pleasing me, it seems to have no effect any longer, the void is getting bigger, more like a pain, I just don’t know what I want. Yesterday I called up my whole friend group in college, even some old school friends, everyone is so normal, so satisfied, so happy, and I’m all left alone searching for that something missing… and I couldn’t even talk about it. I hope, for my own sake, maybe everyone goes through such phases, and just like me they  just don’t talk about it, and looking at them It looks like it passes.

And as I’m writing this, I realize it’s not sudden, it’s like building up inside me for some time, having it’s highs and lows. I’m amazed at how people behave at times, the ease with which they are happy, just because their cell phones have a processor 3%  faster than mine, or just because they grabbed a good deal at the Winter Sale, or because new Android phone is in market, or because they get free pizzas at office all hands, or because they are one of the 100 thousand employees of a company, or because Amitabh bacchan retwitted them. They say happiness can be found in small things, maybe petty is a synonym for small, but still I don’t feel happy for these things, a momentary smile forced into a laughter, but no happiness.
The last time I was home, while coming back I wanted to cry, I felt sad, deeply sad, but tears failed me, even the time my brother dropped me at the Airport I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I fail to express my emotions, I haven’t called Prateek yet, I so much wanted to, but I don’t have the courage, all the creativity fails me before dialing the number, I fail to build up the words of condolences and courage. That day a friend called me after her CAT result, and I feel stupid over the conversation with her, she wanted someone to talk to, and I let her down with some stupid blabber. I wish I could start it all over, I so much wish to be the normal sane, merry guy, but no luck yet.

The world smiles curled in bed
and I sit, listening to the traffic
feeling a void, an urge to cry
and tears failing me, the skies
above conspiring to tear me
and I’m sitting and listening
to a faded song I detest, for
it sounds of merry and hope
you’d ask me why I’m so vain
& then again I’ll fail to explain
all this void and all the pain.

A funny thought just creeped in, maybe I’m going crazy like that Robert de Niro character in Taxi Driver, hah.. had I been home and told this to my mom, she would’ve cast a curfew on the Movies and Internet, lucky she’s not here else she would’ve been worried about this. But no, I’m not crazy, not yet, not the homicidal maniac turning on an automatic weapon on innocent people on a crowded traffic signal… I still find the thought of standing in front of a mirror and pulling out a gun and saying ‘you talkin’ to me?’ funny.

One often comes across phrases like you are lucky, luck is on my side, good luck, bad luck, you just got lucky, best of luck, in luck, out of luck, as luck would have it etc. To my knowledge, almost everyone believes in luck. The thing which I don’t get is why people go in for luck. The whole of the human race in my perspective could be classified into three broad categories videlicet

.Those who believe in the existence of God(theist).
..Those who don’t believe in the existence of god(atheist).
…Those who are skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism(agnostic).

If a person is a theist, why should he believe in luck when he believes in God? and if he still persists to believe in luck,
.Is luck another God?
..Why doesn’t one worship luck?
…Who is bigger and greater,luck or God?

If a person is an atheist, why should he believe in luck when he doesn’t believe in God? If he still persists to believe in luck,
.Is luck superior to God?
..Shouldn’t he be believing in his efforts rather than luck?
…How can he put his faith in luck when he can’t put his faith in God?

If a person is an agnostic, he must be skeptical about luck’s existence if he is skeptical about God’s existence, if not, well then it’s just his misestimated clairvoyance!

LUCK is just a four letter word which has a meaning in the dictionary albeit has no meaning in real life!


Posted: June 1, 2011 in Thoughts

Sometimes you feel that the heavens will fall down on your shoulders and the earth seems to open up and swallow your whole being. This is when you will know who your true friends are. I realized when one is undergoing a major crisis in his/her life, everything seems to go wrong. The car seems to breakdown at rush hour, the electricity bill seems higher, parents get sick, you get sick in the middle of the night, the Banker forgot to tell you certain charges on your loan application and the Landlord decides to sell the house you’ve been staying… (happened last month)

You feel so screwed you thought you’re going to drop dead and no one will know.

But somehow I do believe things eventually will work and The Power works in such mysterious ways. Actually in weird ways, true friends will suddenly appear and offer assistance in all sort of ways – job offers, financial assistance, business opportunities, and most of all, moral support. Suddenly things began to look brighter and more promising.

I could never thank enough all those people have given their support in so many ways and in no way I could ever repay their kindness except with gratitude. I found that strangers could become friends, some old friendships are reinforced and relatives rediscovered.

My mom told me once that life is like a scar. It was painful when you first got the cut. It’s raw and bleeding, but somehow with time it will heal. When it heals, the scar would still be there and you will always remember when and how you first got it.

This is what one should do at the moment…  nurse their wound and wait for it to heal. I am not quite sure how long It’ll be there to hurt you but I know it will always leave a Scar there to serve as a reminder of what your life is all about…

Karma: Not Exactly a Bitch

Posted: May 15, 2011 in Thoughts

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about karma.

There are a lot of things in this world that I really don’t believe in. I don’t believe a person can change their core personality. I don’t believe that God/ Whoever wants to micromanage our lives. I don’t believe a college degree makes you intelligent. What I do believe in, and what I will always believe in, is karma.

Think about it: have you ever had the most awesome week ever? Everything good seems to be happening to you? You’re like freakin’ Good Luck Chuck? Or, have you ever had ten bad things happen to you in a row? You fail a test, lose your wallet, get a challan for your car’s pollution certificate is expired, and fall flat on your face in front of hundreds of people…all before noon??

I think that someone or something is constantly taking note of how we treat people on a daily basis. THAT is karma. I know I say a lot of evil and bitchy things (both in this blog and out loud), but I know it’s gonna come back and kick me in the ass. When I’m having a shitty day, I think, “Maybe I shouldn’t have made fun of that fatass” or “Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed at how ugly that chick was.” I know, I’m completely and utterly awful. But if you think I’m not getting paid back for it, think again.

Karma’s not all bad, though. For every horrible day I have, there are excellent days to make up for it. I think I’ve got a lot of good karma in my life for all the good things I’ve done, like being a good/loyal boyfriend (hypothetically), an obedient son (though there’s a more recent transformation after coming to hyderabad), and a good friend (at least from my side). When I see people drop things (money, etc.), I give it back instead of keeping it for myself. I also think I’m being paid back for all the shitty things some people have done to me, but hey, who knows??

So, we really do need to be good to each other. Stop being selfish. Think about the needs of the people in your life, and try to do what’s best for them instead of just doing what’s best for yourself.
Find yourself flirting with everyone BUT your girlfriend? Think of her and break it off instead of having your cake and eating it too.
Been fighting with your mom every time she calls? Check your attitude and be grateful for everything she’s done for you.
Find a designer wallet lying on the ground? Turn it in somewhere; someone probably really loved that thing and would be thrilled to get it back.

You might not get the rewards right away, but when you do get them, life will be absolutely lovely… 🙂

Now that’s love to me

Posted: May 9, 2011 in My Life, Thoughts

Somebody Important (not Important anymore…) once said that you can’t determine the merit of a person until you’ve seen them in crisis. Or something like that; I can’t remember the exact quote and I’m too lazy to look it up. Regardless, I agree with this statement. You can’t really, truly know a person until something terrible happens. Take this event, for example.

Sometime during the Final semester of my graduation, In the month of March I guess, I started The White Tiger, the book I bought from Daryaganj Sunday market the day before and I was instantly hooked. The pacing was great, the storyline was interesting, and I was really digging it. And when I get genuinely hooked on a book, it’s dangerous. For example, I started The Kite Runner one evening at about 11pm, legitimately found myself unable to put it down, and stayed up until seven in the morning to finish it.

When I come across such books, I become a non-functional human being. There were times (in school, in the dropped year for IIT coaching, and in College) where I would hide my book under my desk, tune out the teacher and read all day, or spend my entire lunch break not eating or socializing, but reading some more. I have perfected the art of walking and reading, just so I don’t have to lose precious minutes I could be spending with a great book. So basically I spent the first half of the day reading, walking (and reading) to DCE library, and read through that next lecture too. I went to lunch and finished the book before the food arrived. When it was time to leave, I noticed that Delhi weather was trying to screw with me again and there was another heavy downpour going on.

So here’s the moment of crisis. Four people, two umbrellas. I buddied up with Tapasya to share her umbrella, but there just wasn’t really enough room for me. In a dramatic and self-sacrificing moment, I shove my book in her bag, zip it up, and tell her to keep it safe as I run into the rain, knowing that I couldn’t save both myself and my book from getting soaked.

Seriously though, the way I did this you would have thought I was at war and had found a wounded comrade, carried him back to safety, and then thrown myself on a grenade in some grand gesture of heroics. I got drenched to save a book, a pirated copy that I had already finished, from a little water damage…

Now that’s love to me… 🙂

Found this one posted as a Link by one of my friends on Facebook.
Someone took the effort to write this poem, someone I don’t know but someone I respect. I Just want to Forward this to as many people as I can. Somehow I find this one touching and want the people to understand the value of life and care of others towards us…

I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn’t drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I’d get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me, S
o responsible and sweet..

I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn’t see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
“The other guy is drunk,” Mom,
And now I’m the one who will pay.

I’m lying here dying, Mom….
I wish you’d get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon..

There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I’ll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn’t drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn’t think.

He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I’m feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don’t think it’s fair.
I’m lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put “GOOD BOY ” on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom, I
would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I’m becoming very scared.
Please don’t cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn’t drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?

Democracy and the Cults

Posted: April 9, 2011 in Thoughts

With the ‘Lokpal’ issue being calmed down (at least for the time being), i was just fidgeting over the net searching for some good article or document over governance and challenges (yeah weird habits i have :)), after some time i just accidently came across this BBC documentary over ‘Sathya Sai Baba’ and his frauds.. followed by the last year accusations on Asharam Bapu and the chaos in Punjab.

With a queer interest in cults and their leaders, whom successive Indian governments and institutions have long and corruptly protected, I pondered further and further for hours, ranging from Indain and Europian countries to the U.S. And I found a striking fact: governments, and indeed whole societies, fail to face the problem of cults, no matter which the country is, no matter how sophisticated and developed the society is.

The ‘answers’ of totalitarian regimes are of course to be repudiated at the outset. Indeed, in their authoritarianism, these closely resemble a great many cults, in any case!  In some sense, they can indeed be deemed cults. Charismatic, autocratic leadership, enforcement of group-think, devious propaganda, and punitive styles exercised against those who question are some characteristics that loom large.

In facing the problems posed by cults, our democratic institutions fail abysmally. Typically, our governments and societies fail because of certain mistaken and exaggerated notions about religious and other freedoms concerning beliefs. The channels of wide discussion, debate and action need to be opened up. Problems posed by muteness – or sometimes by smarmy and false appearances that all is sweetness and light – in the face of ‘political correctness’ need to be faced as a co-operative, rather than divisive, endeavour. We have found that many academic communities seriously offend, for they do not regard apostates as useful subjects for research. Still further, academies need to do a great deal of soul-seaching in facing problems of orthodoxy, in which academics care far more for their emoluments than for speaking out fearlessly.

For too long, it has been overlooked that many cults violate those very notions of freedom which we need, of course, to cherish and uphold.

Certainly, care needs to be exercised in defining what is and what is not a cult, and this level of information is best, in my view, arrived via deliberations across whole communities in consultation with each other. It will not help very much if we see cultism as offending against the canons of this or that mainstream religion. It is the mentality itself that needs to be understood and addressed.

What would hold communities back from engagement? Surely, it is fear. Often unconscious or unacknowledged. There needs to be serious thought about how whole communities can be brought to see that, by avoiding such threats to freedom, very broadly defined, they expose themselves to far greater problems. One cannot but think of examples such as the social paralysis, and the terrible failure to act in democratic interests, that existed in Germany at the time of the Weimar Republic, prior to the triumph of Nazism.

How would you know…huh!!

Posted: March 25, 2011 in Thoughts

One thing that i hate about people is the narrow mindedness. Especially in terms of hobbies and interests. I don’t know why they always tend to take their own interests as the most heavenly and superior as compared to those of others. Not only this, most of the time they’ll come and bug you about how good they are at it, or how great is it to collect stamps, playing cricket, reading book, playing guitar and all the blah. Whatever.. it can be tolerated, everyone has a right to think grand of himself and his own interests… i generally don give a shit, but off late I’m seriously pissed off with certain morons doing that back and again.

But what’s the biggest pain in the a** is when they start imposing it on you, and start treating yours as somewhat inferior and mediocre. Like this guy i know, to him every male who don’t play cricket is a “Chick in Disguise”, now what if someone don’t want to sweat out in 40 degrees in soaring sun, or what if that guy finds his satisfaction in some other stuff, it doesn’t mean that you have a right to scold him or make fun of him.
I go to gym, i do like it, i joined martial arts sometime back too… had to leave it, but i loved that too, it doesn’t mean that everyone who’s not coming to gym or martial arts is inferior. Or lets take that guy from my DCE batch, he wasn’t a gamer, but because dadhi was (and he did had great imposing characteristic too :)) so this guy too got a 1 Gb graphics card, i was never much into it (though i did play enough CS, NFS, age of empires and Halo to qualify as a game freak) but still I had enough encounters of “How would you know, you don’t even play” kinds with this guy..
Its not necessary that what interests you will interest the other person also, and some things or skills that might be dear to you won’t be dear to me… there is always possibility that the other person might take interest in you, will take you as a master but, cut out the crap, i’m not that kind..!!
For my part I’ve got more than enough interests than i could handle… F1, cricket, MotoGp, blogging, Football, Photography, Reading, Writing, Economics, History… but i never try to discuss or influence people about what i did read, write or about alonso, schumacher, rossi n all.. You are in my stuff, come on dude i’m all in for chit chats to even grave friendship ending debates, you are not in my stuff… you enjoy your crap and let me have mine, no offences, no egos… and don’t you ever try that again with me..

P.S. As a moral implication of my post i won’t impose writing on anyone, plus no matter how pathetic or intellectual I might be in my scribblings, i will never force anyone to read my blog (though i do have a right to post the link on facebook  and is entitled to use it as a signature in my mails).

God is a Sadist

Posted: March 14, 2011 in Thoughts

God conveniently did not intervene in the Japan’s Tsunami massacre. So why are all these people on Facebook praying to god for the families of the victims, and for the peace of the dead soul? Seriously, how many people are dead already? What, exactly, did god do for them? Why would he give a shit about their grieving family members?

This is an issue that bothers the hell out of me.

People were praying for me and my family that god would give us comfort when my grandmother died (my Dad’s aunt to be precise). At the same time they were assuring us that God called her home and that she was in a better
place. Why did god feel it necessary that she suffer unspeakable agony for weeks before she was good and ready to be with him? Why was the only comfort she got come from narcotics used to numb the pain for three fucking weeks?

God is a goddamned sadist.

Does he enjoy hearing the victim’s rasping, wheezing, and dying breaths? Is he amused by their family’s pleas to let them hang on a little longer? Or does it piss him off that people quietly begged him/her to just let go?

People die in horrendous ways every minute of every day and God don’t even turn a deaf ear to the plight of the starving. People die, terror reigns, the tormentors prospers and the God lets them. He never intervenes. He never prevents the sease, the accident, the psychotic man with the gun. He never shows any compassion for the survivors and family. And still the religious turn to their heartfelt platitudes. It makes them feel better that they did what they could.

But sooner or later, it seems to me, something like this has got to hit so close to home that you can’t stand it anymore.

I’m no stranger to unbearable pain, cheating, betrayal it’s a big part of my entire life. There is no comfort to be found in, with, or by God. It’s all bullshit.

What’s the point?

He’s (if he’s there at all, and I assume God to be a he, if he do exist at all) just a sadist, who enjoys the plight, terror and vandalism more than anything else. The prayers, the faith, the trust in the almighty are just vain hope of the weaker to please the sadist… and to him it’s none but Sadist satisfaction.