Archive for the ‘Random Bluff’ Category

Things Indian Parents Say

Posted: March 13, 2013 in Random Bluff

With the last one being on relatives, how can I leave the parents behind. The notorious, caring, lovable Indian parents 🙂

 

  • आने दे तेरे पापा को आज
  • नहीं!! बस तुम्हे कह दिया ना जाना पड़ेगा
  • चलो अब शादी से आ गए ना, अब ये कपडे उतार कर रखो, अगली बार काम आएंगे
  • कपडे अलमारी में हेंगर पर रखो 
  • कल पेपर है, अब तो ये फेसबुक बंद कर दे 
  • यही आखिरी साल है मेहनत का, आगे तो बस आराम ही आराम है 
  • घुस जा टीवी के अन्दर मैन ऑफ़ द मैच तो तुझे ही मिलना वाला है  
  • बड़ी हो गयी है अब, खाना बनाना सीख ले 
  • अभी सफाई की थी फिर पुरे घर में गीले पैर घूम गया
  • आंटी को थैंक यू बोलो 
  • अभी तो सब सही लग रहा है तुम्हे, हमारी उम्र में आओगे ना, तब पता चलेगा 
  • रात के 2 बज गए हैं, थक गया होगा, अब सो जा 
  • बड़ों की इज्जत करना कब सीखोगे 
  • अच्छा मेरे कहने से एक बार चला जा 
  • आवाज़ नीचे!!
  • क्लास में फर्स्ट कौन आया 
  • पता नहीं कौन सी चक्की का आटा खाते हैं उनके बच्चे, हमेशा ही फर्स्ट आते हैं 
  • कभी भगवान का नाम भी ले लिया करो, हर वक़्त फिल्में, गाने 
  • सब्जी खाओ, इसमें ताकत है 
  • बचत करो, वक़्त का कोई पता नहीं 
  • बेटा भैया को ट्विंकल ट्विंकल सुनाओ 
  • हमने तो पहली ही कहा था, पर हमारी सुनता कौन है 
  • कितनी बार बताना पड़ेगा तौलिया धुप में सुखाया करो 
  • फिर पायजामे से हाथ पोंछ लिए, बाहर जाके धो नहीं सकता 
  • पता नहीं कब अकल आयेगी इस लड़के को 
  • मैंने ये प्लेट लगा के रख दी है, आंटी आएँगी तो 10 मिनट बाद ले आना (Usually happens on Holi)
  • हाय कैसा छोटा सा मुह निकल आया है 2 दिन में ही  (After fever)
  • सारे दिन धुप में खलता रहता है, देख कैसा काला पड़ गया है 

     

  And some gems from the personal collection:
  • अच्छे घरों के बच्चे रात के तीन-तीन बजे तक नहीं जागते 
  • ये बाल कटवा ले, बाजे वाला लग रहा है 
  • क्यूँ इतना परेशान हो रहा है, कौन सा तेरे चाचा का लड़का खेल रहा है मैच में 
  • आजकल की लड़कियों का कोई भरोसा नहीं, बेटा संभल कर रहना
  • ज्यादा बातें जान गया है हैदराबाद में रह के 
  • मेरा लाडला बच्चा, सच सच एक बात बताएगा, तू नहाता तो रोज़ है ना 
  • घर से तो रोज़ टिफ़िन बांध कॉलेज जाता है, अटेंडेंस कैसे शोर्ट हो गयी तेरी  

 

P.S. I love my Parents*

* No Conditions applied 🙂

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Shit Indian Relatives Say

Posted: March 1, 2013 in Random Bluff

Relatives, and specially Indian relatives form such a hilarious bond with our life, no matter what, they always come up with their ‘two’ cents. A humble attempt to cover the general shit ( just figuratively) relatives say:

 

  • हमें भी सिखा दे ये इन्टरनेट
  • चिंटू को लैपटॉप दिला ला एक दिन नेहरु प्लेस से
  • कितना कमज़ोर हो गया है हैदराबाद जाके, वहां कहाँ अच्छा खाना मिलता होगा
  • बेटा कौन कौन से गेम दे गया इसको, दिन भर कंप्यूटर के सामने बैठा रहता है
  • ले थोडा देसी घी ले जा, बेसन के लड्डू भी हैं, अपने आप खा लियो, किसी को दियो मत, कहीं बांटता फिरे सबमे.
  • और क्या ला रहा है हैदराबाद से हमारे लिए… ?
  • और एक साल हो गया अब तो सैलरी बढ़ गयी होगी
  • भैया का तो हो गया, अब तो बस अगला नंबर तुम्हारा ही है
  • बाइक और दिला दी तेरे पापा ने तुझे, बेटा पढाई पे ध्यान दे
  • अभी तुम्हे मजाक लगता है, हमारी उम्र में आओगे तब समझ आयेगा
    (you said the same thing when I was 5 and you were 25 🙂 )
  • एक दिन के लिए तो आता है उसमे भी पुरे टाइम मोबाइल
  • अरे रख ले कौन सा रोज़ रोज़ आता है तू
    (Mausi with 500 Rs. note in hand)
  • हैदराबाद में दूध वुध मिल जाता है कभी की नहीं
  • बता रहा हूँ मैं, ये मोबाइल आफत है जान की
  • घर आ जा खीर बनाई है तेरे लिए
  • तेरी नौकरी तो बैंगलोर वाले जीजा ने लगवा दी होगी  (yeah right… he run the national employment exchange)
  • बेटा बस छोटा भाई है तेरा, इसकी भी जॉब लगवा दे  (like i run the national employment exchange)
  • पुरे कपडे पहन के बहार निकला कर, यही मौसम तो बीमार करता है
  • देख लो बुढ़ापे की जिंदगी है आगे आगे
  • मिनी तो बहुत याद कर रही थी रक्षाबंधन पे पर तेरा एड्रेस ही नहीं था की राखी भेजें
    (ever thought of making a phone call and asking ??)
  • हाँ वो मिनी बता रही थी, फेसबुक पे फोटो देखि होगी न तेरी
  • अब तो पीने लगा होगा ना ??
  • आजकल लड़के खुद शादी कर लेते हैं, तुम मत करना ऐसा कुछ
  • कोई मांस मच्छी वाली मत ले आना घर में
  • क्या बेटा कोई गलती हो गयी हम से ? कभी तो फ़ोन कर लिया कर
  • ये तो बहुत चिंता करते हैं तेरी, अनजान शहर में पड़ा है लड़का
  • ले ये अचार रख ले और हॉस्टल में किसी को देना मत
  • इतना सा था तू हाथ भर का जब पैदा हुआ था
  • अच्छा रिजल्ट क्या रहा सेकंड इयर का ?
  • वो लड़की तो बड़ी अच्छी थी तेरी फेसबुक फोटो में, गर्लफ्रेंड है ?
  • देख ले गुड्डू का सेकिंड इयर हैं, तुझे ही देखना है सब, तेरे भरोसे ही बी. टेक. करा रहे हैं हम तो
  • शर्मा जी के बेटे ने इतने अच्छे से काम किया टी. सी. एस. में 4 महीने में अमरीका भेज दिया, तुम्हारी कंपनी नहीं भेजती ?

 

Now time to mention some Personal Attacks:

  • ये विंडो बिकती भी है माइक्रोसॉफ्ट की ?
  • कोई नहीं शौक़ है, कर ले एक बार
    (Mausaji on long hair)
  • इंजिनियर तो सब होते हैं, कौन सा बिल गेट्स की कंपनी में हो   #Facepalm
  • अब तो दोनों भाई अच्छा कमाने लगे हो, पापा को बोलो आराम करें अब
    (and ask him to take voluntary retirement and sit at home and get bored.. duh!!)
  • सारे बच्चो की नौकरी नॉएडा में लग जाती है, एक तू ही गया है हैदराबाद
  • क्या करेगा यहाँ आके, तू वहीँ खुश रह  (^^ Only the above person made this comment 🙂 )
  • Mum after reading this headline in Hindi newspaper:  “60 साल की उम्र में इन्टरनेट के सहारे ढूंढा प्यार”  – हमारे वाला भी सारे दिन इन्टरनेट से चिपका पड़ा रहता है, उससे तो ढूंढी ना गयी आज तक एक भी

 

P.S.  I love my Relatives*  🙂

* Conditions Applied

Welcome back blog, missed you too!!

Seems like a long time I haven’t posted in T.U.D. Ohhh, wait I was just stuck in traffic, trying to figure out a way following the ‘Traffic Rules’. Traffic rules in India? I don’t remember ever seeing a Traffic Rules book in India. That might partly explain the traffic in India. People seem to be making up their own rules as they go.
And who am I to say that?  One who got his driving license without a test. But still we Indians are too good at cribbing and being judgmental (even if we don’t know the abc of the trade, Yes I can’t play cricket still I feel like Sachin should retire). So here is my humble attempt to reverse engineer the traffic rules from what I observed:

  • Blare the Horn Rule: When you are completely stuck in a traffic jam and there is no chance to move even an inch, it is mandatory to blare your horn, ceaselessly, hoping the vehicle in front of you will convert into a chooper and give you a free way. But again why blame ourselves, the moral science books in primary standard never had a lesson on patience.
  • Head Light Rule: When you use the head-lights, it is absolutely forbidden to use the low beam- completely forbidden.
  • Jumping Signal Rule: Stopping or slowing down at red lights is appreciated. But again depends on personal faith, the first few always have the choice to jump over, over-speeding, and the look on the face as they pull it off… my my, will put monalisa’s smile to shame.
  • Fancy Lines Rule: You can drive anywhere on the road. Some people prefer to drive on the left side. And as a rule never pay any attention to the decorative white line in the middle of the road “Oh I though it”s the road we have to drive on, what’s the fuss about the lines??”
  • Customary Phone/Ipod Rule: It is a felony to be caught driving a motorbike without a mobile phone glued to your hand and ear, or atleast the music player you’ve got. The Chick in the car next to you will be definitely impressed.
  • Grand Abuse Fest Rule: When you collide with a motorist or pedestrian, it is customary to exchange profanities, no matter which party is to be blamed, it’s mandatory to created a scene, apologies are completely forbidden in the ‘moral values’ annexure of the rule book.
  • Never use Zebra crossing Rule: Pedestrians and cows have the right of way. Walk, run, stop, walk again, Jump, grin shamelessly, run again… Kudos, you’ve managed to cross the road ‘Zebra Crossings are for zebras… right ??’
  • Railroad Crossing manifesto: When the gate is closed at a railroad crossing, all vehicles that cannot pass under the gate must stop. If you can bend, crawl or roll yourself and your vehicle under the gate, you can continue without stopping.
  • Ignore hazard light Rule: Turning on the hazard lights (both indicators blinking) means you are going straight and not about to turn (I swear this is true).
  • Defecator Privacy Infringement Amendment: When driving on deserted village roads, look straight ahead not sideways. Please respect the privacy of street side defecators – though it’s completely different while travelling by train.
  • Let the kids pass Rule: When you have to stop behind a vehicle on the road, leave bare minimum space, just enough for kids to pass through. You must strictly follow this; else the adjoining smaller vehicles may use their right of way to sneak in the space in front of you causing traffic jams.
  • Greet the Buddy Guidelines: Applicable for buses/trucks and autos – While diving on a two way street, you may occasionally pull over on the street to have a quick chat with the driver of the vehicle coming from opposite direction. While you are chatting, other vehicles stuck behind you may use their right to honk.
  • The front tyre rule – Applicable for autos and rickshaws, this rule states that wherever you can find the space to stick in the front tyre, you’ve that holy right to move in with full speed, no matter whether sometimes it results in auntyjis being air borne and thrown away.
  • 200 meters wrong side provision: Dont be surprised to find occasional motorcyclists driving in the opposite direction in your lane. Keep your reflexes well tuned for such guys, of course they just have to reach the next lane, who’ll take the toil to find a u-turn when it’s just a matter of driving 200 meters on the wrong side.
  • Right of way Rule: On a 4 way crossing with no traffic cops, it is mandatory that all vehicles should slowly move in their intended direction (straight or left or right turn) simultaneously. The fastest and the quickest vehicle would have the right of way.
  • State sponsored Amusement: Watch out for gymnastics by cyclists.They signal right and left with their heads, ohh sorry that is the state sponsored amusement for onlookers, perfectly legal.
  • ‘Sticking Arm’  Turn Indication: Turn-Indicators on 2 wheeler and sometimes 4 wheeler are to be ignored, what takes priority is sticking out your arm and waving it to indicate that you  are turning left or right. I case you have a co-passenger on the back seat the responsibility of “hath de mudna hai” is to be taken up completely by him/her.
  • ‘Sticking Arm’ Turn Cancellation: Now with this ‘sticking arm rule’ comes the ‘cancelling indicator’ rule as well, sounds complicated.. ehh too simple goes like this – when you are on a 2 wheeler (bicycle or bike), you need to stick your arm out to indicate you’re turning (yes, despite the actual indicator, the arm rule works in India)….and then when you realize that it isn’t where you meant to turn, you can happily stick your arm out again to draw a cross at the same level in the air, thus nullifying the turn (trust me I’ve seen that).

 

P.S. I missed the most important aspect – parking. But then again, one could argue that “parking” is a topic that requires a whole post dedicated to it. No?

P.P.S. I think out of all the chaos Indians can still take the credit for inventing the smallest unit of time – semi-demi-hemi-nano-second? It’s the time between the traffic light turning green and the guy behind you honking like you just didn’t see it!

The “In Things” – 2

Posted: January 25, 2012 in Random Bluff

So here I’m back with the second and the last part in the series… Well on personal front, witnessed a lot of the ‘Lovely Couple’ comment mania in the last few weeks, its marriage season here down south. An update on personal front, I’m still waiting for the refund of the Gurgaon Metallica concert, which got Cancelled (obviously it was in Delhi, what can you expect :)) has anyone got it back yet, or I’m the only odd one out??
Coming to the point,  the last in the series of two, here are rest three irritating and absurd statements, making no sense and being used almost daily…

4. All those lovey dovey and sometimes raunchy comments for every status update between girls (mostly)
5. Those half baked status updates where people do take the pain to let people know how are they feeling but are not interested in telling “why” The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 3
6. Money doesn’t matter to me!! (Biggest Lie of All times)

4. All those lovey dovey and sometimes raunchy comments for every status update between girls (mostly)

Any and every status update on a social networking site such as Facebook by any girl attracts some of the most fake sounding and amusing comments… and most of the times from other girls only The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 2 .

Status message can be anything from ”am sad”, “am elated”, “hit my car”, “kisiko uda diya yaar”, “cute puppy”, “sun rose from east today” etc etc…… and the comments section can still contain entries like ”I love u darling”, “tight hug”, “lotzaaaa”, “hi sweetheart”,”hey sexy/hottie etc etc etc” , “muahhhhhhh”, “mwaaahhhhh”, “any other phrase + darling” and all other possible and sometimes censored variants by other girls. The originators of these comments manage to deliver them effortlessly without breaking as much of a sweat… sometimes it starts looking as if a bedroom scene is going on in comments!! Usage of like button (a feature on Facebook) appears to be a complimentary offer alongwith, anything under the sun qualifies for the usage of this button.

In person meetings draw air kisses between girls and those kisses convert into these awesome comments on social networking sites. I guess it must be really difficult to give realistic and true to heart comments. Why would otherwise an “eww missing you girl” comment be there on anything and everything The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 2 probably because it has become a fashion statement and “In” thing to say.

Don’t make everyone believe that legally allowing homosexuality (by decriminalization of section 377 in IPC) in India was actually needed by more people than expected earlier!!!

My point is, please mean what you say!!! If you really love and would really kiss the other girl if you meet her, fine go ahead…. else something real plzzz!!!!

5. Those half baked status updates where people do take the pain to let people know how are they feeling but are not interested in telling “why” 

Again another presumably cool thing to do but equally meaningless to the audience. Just put on a half baked status update about how are you feeling. Anything from a smiley, some dots, or “am sad”, “am happy”, “am dreaming”, “am disappointed”, “am down” or “am up” etc could do the trick!!

The responders to these status updates are not any less interesting either. Some amuse by replying with a meaningless smiley or special characters to an equally meaningless status update, some simply go with the flow and shoot out suggestions and advice on how to live the life without knowing what was the actual reason behind the status message. Another major section of responders to such an update is made of clueless and confused poor souls who are trying to uncover the secret that elicited this status update in first place… All those why, what, how, when, where comments are thanks to these guyz.

The owner of the status update can’t have asked for more The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 3 first people would ask for the reason and then would respond on hearing the full news. You have already doubled the expected number of comments on your status update and hence would roam on the recent updates pages of your friends for more time The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 3

6. Money doesn’t matter to me!!

This is the category of people who are farthest from the truth and 99% of them surely are if not all. You want to don nice clothes, stay in air-conditioned places, drive a car, eat good food at best restaurants, have those expensive pegs down the throat, visit exotic places and raise a family but money doesn’t matter to you!! believe me, no uncle of yours is gonna pay for any of those things!!

I really fail to understand why people want to portray as if Amitabh Bachaan himself visited their home, pleaded them of taking 5 crore rupees from him but they said no to him because money is not important for them. Somebody like bill gates could say that because he already have so much but how can someone who doesn’t have enough can claim that!!

If you are being really true to your heart when claiming that, I would suggest you to go for sainthood and stop thinking about continue living in modern society. It may not matter to you but if you are planning to have a generation, it would matter to them!! If you can’t grow your own food, can’t live in a jungle or can’t stay without your car, a.c. or wallet, please ascertain yourself that money matters to you!! Earn enough to help yourself, to help those who are unfortunate and don’t have enough money to have food for two times and help your generations to come..!!

The “In Things” – 1

Posted: January 22, 2012 in Random Bluff

Hello world… The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 1
Following my B’day I guess I should put a break on sucking up and move forward, maybe some day I’ll just look back and read the last post and will think “WTF was that me, what the hell happened then”… ohkk not exactly my thoughts, ren suggested this as a possibility… anyways the objective of this post is to draw attention to some of the most fake, meaningless and groundless statements/lies nowadays flaunted by people and considered a fashion statement or “The IN thing” as they call it. A few of the observations specifically point to behaviour on facebook.

The statements summary for today:

  1. Generous use of adjectives in response to any newly engaged or married couple’s photo.
  2. Love happens only once (babu moshai, jindagi mein pyaar bas ek baar hota hai!!)
  3. My spouse means the whole world to me (mujhe apne saathi mein rab dikhta hai)


Observation in detail:

1. Generous use of adjectives in response to any newly engaged or married couple’s photo.

A photo of a newly engaged or married couple attracts responses full of all the possible adjectives. Anything from ”sexy couple”, “you two look beautiful together”, “the best couple”, “awesome couple”, “you two complement each other” etc etc make the grade!!
Some couples definitely deserve these but is it necessary that every couple qualifies for these ?? Now i really mean it..!!

After going through the chain of comments, it appears as if in the “Mr and Mrs Universe” contest, Brad pitt and Angelina Jolie’s pair would only manage to come up runners-up after the emergence of this couple of ours…

In most cases, even if the almighty himself come out of thin air to assure you in your face that the couple is indeed sexy, you will not buy it (in the desi tongue,saakshat devta bhee aake kahen kee accha couple hai toh aap vishwaas nahi karoge) but when it comes to commenting on the pic (and mostly on social networking sites), you would still use all the adjectives you have ever learnt in your life!! It’s other thing that deep inside, you may be thinking about how worse/average can it get when it comes to pairing up, or probably trying to weigh the tonnes of makeup the lady is wearing or wondering if the guy was looking better in a jungle themed fancy dress show as compared to his wedding!!!

Why can’t people just give true wishes from heart for their good life instead of just following the fashion statement of equating the couple to Greek gods!!!

2. Love happens only once (babu moshai, jindagi mein pyaar bas ek baar hota hai!!)

Claiming to have fallen in love only once ever has almost become a fashion today. It appears to me as if everyone is roaming around with a single bedroom apartment in place of a heart and this flat can be occupied by only one tenant for ever!!!

I’m yet to see or hear of a real world devdas who had said no to Madhuri Dikshit even when she lost Aishwarya Rai because he fell in love only once… there is a reason why that story converted into a film and the reason is that it was a rare “story”

Till people are in a relationship or are fresh from a break up and have had no success or luck in finding another good and worthy date/alliance, these dialogues will keep on coming from these amateur lovers…. It takes a lot of experience to understand the meaning of this emotion and you are no Arjun to hit bull’s eye in your first attempt.

If you believe me, our hearts are no less than any 5 star hotel. You can check in as many guests/permanent residents as you want and whenever you want. As the saying goes… you gotta have a large heart (dil bada hona chahiye).

If you haven’t studied biology in your school because you were too busy in love then lemme help you. Emotions, love and every other kind of feeling that we experience is because of some complex chemical reactions, hormonal bursts and electrical discharges in several parts of our bodies and these are completely reversible and infinitely reproducible phenomenon with a life lasting renewable source of energy…. so please forget that “only once” theory irrespective of who taught it to you….

So friend, by claiming that love can happen only once for you, don’t highlight your helplessness and inability to love or be loved. Don’t assure everyone out there that even the first love that happened to you was an accident and was a result of your good deeds in last incarnation of yours otherwise you would have come and gone out of the world with a single status only!! In such a big world, there is always someone better than the best known person! Don’t behave as if you tried and rejected everyone in the world before finalizing your first love and now no one can be better than him/her!!

Go out, love and be loved. Don’t hold yourself back for something that didn’t work out… Life moves on, its your call to move along with or not.

3. My spouse means the whole world to me (mujhe apne saathi mein rab dikhta hai)

Now this is another classical example of exaggerated statement leading to unrealistic expectations and most often than not, it comes from girls.

It’s always good to let people remain human in a humane relationships and don’t start equating them to super human or heavenly world until and unless you want your relationship to resemble one of the devotee and god’s!!

This ”my world” funda directly translates to the start of bad times for the guy  (seedha matlab hai bande ka band baj gaya…) as they are the ones who are affected in the worst manner. First raise someone to the status of super human without his consent and then, if the poor soul behaves as a mere mortal, start feeling disappointed and dejected!!

By claiming that your spouse is your world, you are implying that there is nothing else in the world for you to do and take interest in!! Now he is going to be your centre of attention day in and day out and should be ready to answer all kind of questions like why do you talk to that girl?, why do you come late from office?, why don’t you pamper me any more ?and why you dont call me hot now!! (hindi mein bolen toh office se late kyun aate ho?, ghar pe khaana kyn nahi khaate ho?, mujhe dekhkar khil kyn nahi jaate ho?, ab mujhe utna kyun nahi hasatate ho!!!!!)

One should try and remain human and let others remain human too in a relationship. By doing so you would have realistic expectations, would be able to give personal space to your spouse and would be happy in real sense. The world is beautiful, do interesting things and learn new skills instead of putting the tag of world on your spouse.

It’s 3 A.M. better I hit bed, though not feeling sleepy at all but in case I don’t want to miss the morning show of this stupid movie I’ll be watching just to keep up with people, I should try to sleep…
So time to say bbye, rest in the next part… The list of biggest lies and groundless statements 2

Hey Wassup.. ? How’s life ?

Posted: January 3, 2012 in Random Bluff

Hi dude ? Wassup ?? How’s life ?

This is probably the first thing your long lost friend asks you when you are accidentally online on some social networking site at the same time, and somehow he decides to ‘ping’ you to get to know ‘wassup’ with you. ( by long time, i don’t mean the time that you’ve exactly taken to forget the poor dude(tte) in front of you and vice versa ).

Even those who were with you in college or your last company also qualify for this perfectly…
In fact, cut the sarcasm, this is probably the first thing just about anybody asks you when they are in terrible desperation to start a conversation. So, how exactly are you supposed to answer this question without actually meaning to answer ? Because, face it.. your life is not something you can actually explain as an answer to a question with 2 words in length. And specially in these times you won’t tell that your girlfriend is not talking to you because you called her brother fat, or that your job sucks, or you are broke, or some bouncers just pushed you out of the bar last night, or that you are not loosing weight despite regular workout… We just want to play it safe, look cool and careless… in best of spirits.Generally we say,
1) “Am fine, how’s yours ?” – Which means, I really dont wish to discuss MY life with you and am certainly not interested in yours ! still if you have something bothering you it’ll be fun to know..
2) “Going on.. “ – Which means, Its going on BAD ! and at least one of the things I mentioned above or even worse that that is haunting me..!!
3) “Ya… going on” – For those you who are thinking, whats the big “ya” going to make a difference to point 2 and 3 ? Well, the much prolongated “ya” simply means… hmm, its not too bad.. but nothing’s happening.
A smaller “ya” would mean, am just trying to answer your question faster cause my life is boring anyway !!
4) “Super” – This one’s tricky, The answer can be either sarcastic, more like “duh… am dying and you ask me how is life ?” Or it can actually be Super ! ( Yeah, dont be surprised.. some life stories are actually “super” !!)
5) “Bindaas”– Okay, that’s the hindi slang. And this means, the dude doesnt give a damn to his life or your question!

Anyway, Apart from all the amazing gyan that am boring you with early in morning, i think “how’s life?” is a question thats used quite liberally. Imagine the poems it can bring out of a person when asked at the right time, in the right tone, with the right emotion and right look !
Hmm… time to hit the keyboard for some work now… ;)

P.S. Will be going home this Friday, already in the festive mode, not having even a fraction of a mood to work anymore… :(
P.P.S. Excited for the Metallica concert.. won’t be attending the first Indian F1 though.. maybe next year… :)

The Nomenclature

Posted: January 3, 2012 in Random Bluff

It’s easily one of your most important assets. Not many, nah, to be precise none of us realise how essential it is. It is something that has been yours since your birth (a few others might have the same one, but yeah still it’s ‘your’) , in some cases even before that. Its almost like your first ID into the human world. I am not even going to ask you guys to guess what it is ( like you bother anyway !!) . Its our NAMEs that am talking about.

I know, I must be completely jobless to be writing a blog about NAMES !! ( Dont worry, I am not, not yet..!! ). But seriously, did you ever wonder how the idea of naming people came into existence. And even when it did, how did they chose to name after some word or phrase or sound . What if the masterminds had decided to start naming with numbers. He he he, What a thought ?

Mom shouts at the sight of her mud clad son, “5643 ( Short for 5643.56 ) , Look what you’ve done to yourself ?! Huh!! “
The Advertisement replied , ” Dont worry, 637 hai na !! ”  ( ” Dont worry, 637 is here !! “)

Actually, we really don’t appreciate our identities much . It comes throughout your life. Even if you wanted it or not. You did not chose to have it. Your parents did. And by the time you decide that it does not sound like you , its too late. Sometimes you just dont connect to it. For example, Names like Elizabeth, Alexander, Marcus etc.., really don’t sound like an Engineer, Beautician or a Chef. I mean, imagine Alexander The Engineer !!! or Hercules the Sweeper..!!
But Yeah, there are some people who simply learn to live with it while some give a new meaning to it. Names like Aristrotle or Shakesphere ( or ‘Duryodhan’ and ‘Shakuni’ ) can not be dared to be used again ever ( unless you wanted your kid to grow up in a lifetime of mockery! ) .

Indian names are all the more interesting. The most common observation in the pattern of Indian boy names and girl names would be that, you find almost 99% of the girl names ending with long ‘a’ or ‘i’ or ‘e’ (alka, manyata, rashmi, jyoti etc.) and boy names ending with short ‘a’ or ‘n/m’ or short ‘h’ . Well this is mainly because in Sanskrit all the “स्त्रीलिंग ” (feminine) nouns end with vowels. Being one of the most revered language, Indians don’t try to mess with the norms. If they did, the name ends up confusing the gender ( Which does not make a very good ID !! ) .

As if this were not enough, we had the surnames attached too. And this is where you start looking beyond the person . This is where things start to go little further about the man, his origin, religion, language etc etc. A totally unneccesary addition. If you did want a fashionable second name , why not keep your fathers name instead or if your rebellious enough why not try your mothers name ?
Starting merely as a demand to identify a person , Names have taken different forms and shapes serving more than just the purpose of its existence. I doubt if the trend would ever change. But , Whatever the name you adorn, live a life that gives a meaning to your name rather than living to satisfy the bounds of your name . Add the suffix -ness or -ism to it and give your name a life of its own, a memory that’ll never die .

PS :- I spread Akshayism. what do you ?


5:00 am:
Woke up to the first rays of the sun. To my surprise, I found myself in bed with Abul Fazal. Don’t know how this happened –I distinctly remember asking for directions to Abu Begum’s quarters… These moron palace-keepers… alas I should cut down on opium a bit..!!

5:30 am: Bare-chested sword play in front of the harem. What makes it totally cool is that I did not even have an actual steel sword. Yep I am naughty in the mornings.

6:30 am: Nothing better than to start the day off by taming a wild elephant. And oh boy did this one shake its trunk and almost flattened me twice with its huge feet before I could grab it by the tusk. But then the page-boy tells me I have made yet another mistake. Instead of going to the pit, I had wandered into the courtyard of one of my most senior wives, who seems to have been pissed off with me for some reason. Damn. Two mistakes and its not yet 7.00 A.M.

7.00 am: Note to self: No opium shots in the morning… Well WTF, just one..!!

8.00 am: Meeting with Raja Haldiram after refreshing bath. He wants the same damn thing: matrimonial alliance. To be honest, the girl looked very “Diwan-e-aam”. I of course like “Diwan-e-khaas”. Convinced him I have way too many wives already. Seemed a bit insulted. Gave him the honorary title of Bhujiawala.

10.00 am: Threw some fool down from the roof head-first. Don’t even remember why. Must have lost my head or something. Will present the standard Mughal compensation package: petrol pump to son and harem-pass to widow. Yeah I know I have many wives. But what to do—the good of the subject is always the most important.

11.00 am: Have to tell Birbal, for the zillionth time, not to send PJs as SMSs. This guy has the lamest sense of humor and keeps recycling jokes from Mullah Naseeruddin, Tenali Rama, Gopal Bhand and Sekhar Suman and passing them off as his own.

11: 15 am: Lunch with wife No 296. Kept on nagging about how I do not give her any special attention. Nag nag nag. And yeah she complained something about wife No. 3241… whose name I don’t even remember… hope she remember her number..!!

12.00 pm : (Sleepy) Didnt help having a meeting with a bunch of hysteric Rajputs who kept saying I had married my son’s wife. That’s what I think they said, claiming that the whole clan has been insulted and that they would boycott something or the other. Note to self: I do have too many wives.

2.00 pm: Woke up after power nap. Music auditions for court musician. Today’s idols: Dilip Sen, Sameer Sen and Tan Sen. SMS voting has opened. Celebrity judge for today: living legend Dev Anand, my grandfather Babar’s favorite actor.

3.00 pm: Announced budget. Jeziya tax has been repealed. However I have put a cess on kumkum and agarbatti, removed a 10% tax flat tax on corrugated roofing and put additional tariffs on cell phones and elephant manure. Why screw Hindus only when you can screw everybody! I am sure the Ranathambore and Mewar guys will call my budget “anti-people” but then what’s new about that !

4.00 pm: Trouble ! The ambassador of Bengal informed me that the entire state will rebel if Sourav Ganguly is not selected in the one day battles. Got into a shouting match and at the end the Bengali ambassador said something that sounded like “Boka Jodhaa Akbar”. My advisors told me it’s just the ambassador wishing me and my wife good health.

5.00 pm: Some new qawwal. What a heavenly voice. What lovely lyrics: “I love you Sayoni. Koi shaq? What’s up?” I think I can get rid of Faizi now.

6.00 pm: Problems. Seems there has been bird flu that has made chickens poisonous to eat. Demand for chickens down. I suggested we organize a grand feast, free of cost, serve exclusively chicken dishes and get demand up again. All my Navratans laughed at me saying that the idea was ridiculous, the “free feast” would set of alarm bells about the provenance of the free chickens and the whole event would be flop. Well guess who is laughing now.

7.00 pm: Debriefing with Maham Anga. I am seriously getting sick of this lady being the actual power behind the throne and me being just a puppet. I pretend not to hear when some of the servant girls whisper “Manmohan Singh” as I pass by.

8.00 pm: Oops… forgot my daily 6.00 P.M. namaz… hope India TV don’t a get hint of it..

9.00 pm:  Intended to spend time with Jodha, ended up with someone else, numbered in thousands… Damn you Thomas Alva Edison, couldn’t you be born a bit earlier.. these candles are way too dim…

11.00 pm:  With wife No 264. The whole rigmarole of “Kya aap hume mohabbat kartein hain?” begins. Married life I tell you… plus these kids… I guess I don’t know any name other than Saleem… yesterday Jodha (wife number… umm, nevermind, she’s the only one I remember by Name) was telling I’ve got too many Saleems, so I reckon I must name the original Saleem as Rahul Gandhi. Well he too is as dumb as the others, Still I need a heir…
 

Disclaimer: No disrespect to any historic character, living or dead… and yeah I put up this pic of Hritik Roshan as Akbar because that is how most of My readers will Identify, whom this is about… of course unless I mention the name Jodha or Birbal…
Now not my fault.. guess how many of you would’ve identified this one:

‘Friends’ on Facebook

Posted: March 23, 2011 in Random Bluff

Facebook… connecting people, well thats nokia, but facebook also connects people.. 🙂 in some way… well my cousin sister got connected to my batchmate through it… what else can i say 🙂 plus its the only way I’m connected to people like Abhimanyu Vohra, Vandana Sapra, Alka Sharma (look i mentioned your name again without your permission… you can sue me now 🙂 ) etc.. Its a place where you add upto 300 -1000 people (varying from person, place and net connectivity) under friends categories and will be connecting to only 100-150 at max. What about the rest hundreds ?? Who are all these people ??

So, I’m going to categorize them in these few categories, irrespective of their number in a general facebook user’s profile:

1. True Friends – The true friends, one care about, spent time talking to them, thinking about them… those who matters, those who are a part of your life… and trust me there can’t be more than 30 of them… now one might argue being hyper social and all so lets increase the circle to 50… and for those who satisfy criteria 10 of this post (i.e. they are famous), this number might go upto 100, but not more than that, and in case you still don’t agree… honey, you are damaged, have a break..!!
2.He/She sits in that close by cubicle – The office guys… its very rare to find friends there… what you might get are all colleagues, and not friends… still one day after some team outing, or few words of praise from our manger either one of you end up committing the sin of sending a friend request, and what next… just an increase in a number… 🙂 
3. Oh hell now mamaji is on fb too – WTF… mamaji on FB, and icing on the cake… even sent a friend request…. now I had to accept 😦 and with that the ordeal of using security and privacy settings begins, hiding albums, deleting comments… personally ask me… I’m a victim… my mum is on FB… 😛
4. Smokin’ (Hot girls from other’s Lists) – Well just added one today, was in my brother’s friend list…. some European girl, girlfriend of some gymnastics coach… 🙂 Well not only me, every Male (here i’m counting on true males, not the geek elves ) have a temptation to do so… its separate story that very few end up having the guts to send a request and only a very few end up with requests being accepted… still in everyone’s profile you might find some contribution (single digit) of this species.
5. Fake profiles with sexy profile pics – Now there are these fake profiles too… a popular one being this Neha Sharma with all the friends from top software companies… Microsoft, Google. Amazon… as a special characteristic of these profile, you’ll always find a very cute firang teenager in the profile pic, education – university of delhi… (wonder from where such losers accumulated in Delhi)
6. We studied together (yeah in 2nd standard) – And one day this friend request from Mr. Sandeep or Miss Jyoti… jyoti…jyoti… umm name rings a bell… yeah jyoti.. she was in 2nd standard with me… the pumpkin faced girl with a running nose… so what now, lets add her, rest who cares… and then one day we chat… and nothing more that hi, wassup, ‘aur suna’ …. 🙂
7. Wish he die tomorrow – And there are those too, those who you hate, from the core of your heart, wish them ill… (I’m no saint and i too have such people on my ‘friend’ list… ironic, more that that we wish them birthdays and festivals on facebook too… though here i score personally i don do so, i don’t believe in the social conventions on a social networking site… (so next time i don’t wish u a birthday, you can guess what it meant 🙂 ) though an area to work upon for me – i still comment ‘lovely couple’ no matter how stupid, unmatched  the couple looks like… certainly will like to improve in this area 
8. He used to teach me, now i earn thrice – Not all but some of your teachers/profs can be found on facebook these days… still the same, only you don’t dislike them any more (exceptions do occur… ding dong someone heard of Richa Gupta). They are there and as a rule they’ll never add you, its always our duty to add them… i too have a few in my profile, and its really nice to see your teachers out of the classrooms… kinda ‘thank God they’ve got some life’ (read refreshing)..!!
9. Koi to Sir kahe  – Ranges from College Juniors, Super Juniors, Super Duper Juniors to Company Subordinates, just a means to satisfy our ego… at least there might be someone to say ‘Sir’… at least kisi se to izzat mile... 😛
10. Oh he’s famous –
And there are these celebrities too… some being real profiles, some being fake ones… not only the celebrities, these could range from ‘Miss moonlight’ on annual fest to ‘Mr. Fresher’ and very rare will you talk to them… hardly ones or twice a year, still they are there satisfying the ‘I know him/her… see he’s in my friend list’ 🙂
11. Ye kaam aa sakta hai –
Oh man he’s an alumni… working in MSFT, redmond, and look at that girl she was my girlfriend’s elder sister’s friend, She’s VP Marketing at Apple, better I add her… who knows, maybe one day i might need some help… at least a referral 🙂

Now as an exercise for my readers i would love if at least a few of you could perform a vague classification of your FB friend list in above categories… trust me the fun’ll be worth it

 

Right from my childhood I’ve this habit of switching on T.V. as soon as I return home from school, college, gym wherever. Same way as soon as i came back from office i did the same and today my bad luck… it was all melodramatic happy go merry Rajshri productions all over it….Hum Sath Aath Hain..sry sath sath, Maine pyaar kia, and the legendary Hum Aaapke Hain Kaun..!! aaarrghh!!”

All i could think was “mercy on us oh Holy Saints above”. Then i began to think over the whole concept of these ‘Family Movies’ and figured out the following common characteristics among these:

1. A house, a very big house with all the luxuries of the world – swimming pools, pool tables, lawns, fountains, drivers, servants…. in fact its not a house, it’s a palace a palace even bigger than the Vatican.

2. A family where all the first, second, third cousins, relatives, friends all live at the same palace. Wonder whether they have kids going to school next day or not. All the buajis, mamijis, bhabhis and a lot of giggling irritating girls are all stuffed at the same house.

3. At least a dozen songs, one meant for every situation, every nook and corner, every festival, marriage, romance…. thank god S. P. Balasubrahmanyam is not around any more… (remember the voice “aaja shaam hone aayi mausam ne li…”)

4. A pet, usually a Dog (a monkey can serve the purpose too) who plays a very important role in the romantic buildup of the plot. In certain cases it plays the central binding character in the climax too.

5. Alok Nath/Reema laagu/Anupam Kher, 10 out of 10 times one of them will be there.

6. The second family (usually the girl’s side), poor but dignified, with either a Masterji / Professor being the head of the family.

7. A foreign educated dude, who worships his parents, loves women clad in churidars and sarees and is more fluent in music and songs than beethove and mozart could ever be.

8. A humble, loyal servant (usually the comedian with all blunt jokes in an irritating accent, one face i could remember of – lakshmikant berde yakk… may his soul rest in peace up there) – an orphan raised by the Badi Maa of house as her own son (aka the mistress of the Vatican palace).

9. A wicked Buaji/Mamaji typically played by Bindu. Usually her husband is a very humble, insecure joru ka ghulam types.

10. A fake accusation of stealth being put on the poor, orphan servant. Where he cries melodramatically and either the Maa  or Bhabhi consoles him afterwards.

11. A pathetic Antakshiri game (sometimes cricket takes its place too). The fascination lit faces of all the actors are enough to dread me during my sleep for the next one week.

12. Wrapping up with few dialogues :
Maa/Babuji mujhe kaam ke silsile me london jana hai”
“Kal prem apni padhayi puri karke vilayat se wapas aa raha hai”
“Main chor nahi hun maaji”
“Bas ab jaldi se iske hath peele ho jayein, to main bhi chain ki saans lun”