Of Life, Death and Being Left Alone

Posted: January 14, 2012 in My Life, Thoughts

I want to die a Kurt Cobain, or hypothetically a Jack Dawson…

Irony, I can’t do either, I can’t sing and play a guitar like cobain, well neither could I pull a Dawson.. I failed at that front too. No regrets for not dying a Cobain, I never tried those shoes on, but yeah I had my fair share of luck for the latter, no accusations, I blew it up.
Sitting here in my balcony at 1 A.M. in night, watching the few BPO cabs dropping people off at this odd hour of working, It feels like being one of those crazy people staring gloomily at the world, being clueless of what you want from it, or what it want from you…

Sometime I accuse people of being two faced, but off late I feel that I’m the biggest two faced liar of them all, I joke around, attend parties, listen to people, call my mom everyday, talk cool to my brother, and the time I disconnect the phone, I smile to myself.. you pulled it off nicely bud. You crack up some exam, and people congratulate for it, the siblings look up to you, and they say all the good things, but deep down you are thinking, you mug up a couple of months, get some score in some Exam… Big Deal ?? Maybe… but what next.. Still you are the left alone, A fellow sitting alone on such a beautiful night, even the beauty scares you, you feel gloomy, for some unknown reasons.

I ate up some 12 chocolates today, watched entire 11 episodes of The Big Bang Theory without a single smile, listened to the Gothic rock on my iPod. A wonderful laid back Saturday, and still I’m uneasy. “Smile and let the world smile with you” I read in a blog I just started following, Smile… sounds so simple, feels so hard, I can make the world smile, some silly jokes, some witty chit chats, a small hang out with friends, I laugh, mix up well, and by the time you are back to your place, again the same haunting feelings, the same unexplained despair, a feeling of letting people down. I don’t know what I want from life, I have a nice job, money to buy stuff & pay all my bills, still have a decent saving, even that don’t please me any longer. I lack something, I have a longing for something, something even I don’t know, like something is missing, something big. I have stopped writing, haven’t read a book since long, I returned that book I borrowed unread.
Alcohol has stopped pleasing me, it seems to have no effect any longer, the void is getting bigger, more like a pain, I just don’t know what I want. Yesterday I called up my whole friend group in college, even some old school friends, everyone is so normal, so satisfied, so happy, and I’m all left alone searching for that something missing… and I couldn’t even talk about it. I hope, for my own sake, maybe everyone goes through such phases, and just like me they  just don’t talk about it, and looking at them It looks like it passes.

And as I’m writing this, I realize it’s not sudden, it’s like building up inside me for some time, having it’s highs and lows. I’m amazed at how people behave at times, the ease with which they are happy, just because their cell phones have a processor 3%  faster than mine, or just because they grabbed a good deal at the Winter Sale, or because new Android phone is in market, or because they get free pizzas at office all hands, or because they are one of the 100 thousand employees of a company, or because Amitabh bacchan retwitted them. They say happiness can be found in small things, maybe petty is a synonym for small, but still I don’t feel happy for these things, a momentary smile forced into a laughter, but no happiness.
The last time I was home, while coming back I wanted to cry, I felt sad, deeply sad, but tears failed me, even the time my brother dropped me at the Airport I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I fail to express my emotions, I haven’t called Prateek yet, I so much wanted to, but I don’t have the courage, all the creativity fails me before dialing the number, I fail to build up the words of condolences and courage. That day a friend called me after her CAT result, and I feel stupid over the conversation with her, she wanted someone to talk to, and I let her down with some stupid blabber. I wish I could start it all over, I so much wish to be the normal sane, merry guy, but no luck yet.

The world smiles curled in bed
and I sit, listening to the traffic
feeling a void, an urge to cry
and tears failing me, the skies
above conspiring to tear me
and I’m sitting and listening
to a faded song I detest, for
it sounds of merry and hope
you’d ask me why I’m so vain
& then again I’ll fail to explain
all this void and all the pain.

A funny thought just creeped in, maybe I’m going crazy like that Robert de Niro character in Taxi Driver, hah.. had I been home and told this to my mom, she would’ve cast a curfew on the Movies and Internet, lucky she’s not here else she would’ve been worried about this. But no, I’m not crazy, not yet, not the homicidal maniac turning on an automatic weapon on innocent people on a crowded traffic signal… I still find the thought of standing in front of a mirror and pulling out a gun and saying ‘you talkin’ to me?’ funny.

  1. I have this compulsive urge to comment because I understand what you write. Day dreamt many a suicides in another life. Was there any thing wrong in my life then? No. No broken heart, no lost job, none of the usual reasons.
    There is always something missing. Some thing you need which makes you happy inside. For me it was reconnecting to my spiritual self after a ten year hiatus. What is it that you did and have stopped doing? We work for a demanding company and live in a strange city. We should not lose ourselves here.
    In my experience its nothing outside which makes us happy or sad. Both our heaven and hell are within us.
    Take care.

    • Akshay Khokhar says:

      Thank goodness you understand this, It’s just like when nothing makes sense, and you feel like things will never get better. I don’t know what I’ve stopped doing, I still go out, meet people, read stuff, it’s almost the same like before… But I guess you are right about the Spiritual Self, but right now I don’t even know how to build a connection with the inner self, seems so hard… may be it’ll come with time…

  2. Radhika Gupta says:

    I think subconsciously we do know exactly what’s “Missing” in our lives… Do you???

    • Akshay Khokhar says:

      My subconscious had failed me long back, or maybe I don’t have any subconscious any longer… either way, it’s like being a witness to things happening around and just witnessing them, with no intention or power to alter them, just sitting like a clueless ant, waiting for the things to make sense again, hoping that someday I’ll realize what I miss was always with me, at every moment.. Hopes. big word.. ehh

  3. renxkyoko says:

    Huh? You’re here? I thought you have deleted your blogsite !!!!!!! I tried visiting you 3 x, but this was always what I got . ” ……… is no longer available. The author has deleted the blog” or something like that !
    That’s odd. !

  4. @ren: ohkk you’ve got all reasons to be furious 🙂
    well actually, I changed the URL of my blog to https://undreamtterrain.wordpress.com so the older link was not working..!!
    reason being – I separated the personal stuff from the fictional stuff (http://dustdreamsnbeyond.wordpress.com), so all this chaos… plus the above post can give so some better enlightenment on what I was going through.. 🙂

    P.S. on a positive side, look your blog is still there in my Blogroll 😀

  5. renxkyoko says:

    * pouts* Okay, I’ll put u back on my blogroll. He he he I thought u were gone, and I was like, what the !

  6. renxkyoko says:

    Oh, now, I just read this particular post more carefully. The first time, I was just happy you were still here. Anyways…… @__@…. Uhm, I guess there’s a phase in our life where for no reason at all, we just feel sad… it happens all the time. Just write about it. It will pass. then later when you’re back to feeling ” normal” ( whatever it is ), and you get to read your stuff again, you’ll just smile, and think, WTH happened then?

    Cheers !

    • Good to know that you feel happy for my mere existence on the Web 🙂
      You are right, this has happened before too, a few days of sulkiness and feeling down , and again you are back to your own normal self… but this time it was bit strong.. may be for the good, to hit the rock bottom from where there is just one way to go… UP and UP only..!!

      btw haven’t checked out your musings for some time, will do it tomorrow, weekend… I can smell it 🙂

  7. Shashank says:

    Just remember ‘This too shall pass’ as somebody put it. Nice to have found your blog again!

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