Losing what I built..

Posted: April 11, 2011 in My Life

I don’t know why, but for past few days i’m having all these negative vibes, I’m feeling strange, stupid all the time, missing things, I don’t know what and why… I want to cry… with the same 4-5 songs repeating in my playlist, I’m feeling like left out… Somewhere deep down under something is hurting me badly… I’m feeling like a void is being created, separating me from all the joys of Life, maybe I’m mising my friends, maybe I’m missing my brother, maybe I’m missing someone else… I don’t know, but I’ve got no cheering right now… with 3 out of last 4 nights being spent at office, I’m feeling monotonous… I miss so many things i can’t even count..,

There was a time when I used to laugh at people who said, that your college days were the best you will ever have. It was so lame. So cliched… So something which everyone said again and again. I used to hate DCE, the administration, the crowded cafeteria, the faculty, the rusty RTVs, the stupid lectures or maybe i just pretended to…I promised my self I would never ever preach anything like missing college to anyone. And i intend to keep it.

But who is to stop me from sharing what I feel today after 10 months of letting it float by.

Its not that the time was perfect. There were disasters. Agreed, Maybe not as big as the ones i faced later on , or maybe the ones which are yet to come. But in their own way, they were the biggest. They broke my back with their burden. I lost a few friends, a few probable relationships, a few moments of pure bliss.

But what i gained was unmeasurable. I learned what loving someone is all about. I learnt how obssessing about someone can bring you nothing but pain, how it wasn’t healthy (now that can be counted as an overstatement). I learnt how some people always stand by you no matter what. I learnt how special I was to so many people. I also discovered what ingredients a perfect life might have. I learnt how your ego can destroy you, i learnt how the same ego can be channelized to bring you success.

The past 10 months are no different for me than for my other batchmates. I am working for this Software giant (Microsoft). The only thing that is different from college is, the campus had gotten slightly smaller and far too more luxurious, my batchmates (read colleagues) older, and the work is certainly more demanding than the college projects. My earlier friends are slowly taking a backseat. Of course, not that I’m forgettig them, but they are certainly taking a backseat. Life is becoming more complicated, more simpler at times. Other people are taking a precedence. It’s not that I’m not happy. I am. Sometimes i fear my old friend might hate this. Why wouldn’t they? They are also struggling to make their mark in the world, and I am blissfully ignorant of their problems. But i won’t blame myself… I am at the same channel of struggle as they are… But I am happy. I have had some moments of pure bliss with them. Some memories which will always be with me.

But eventually most of the time I yearn for the people I’m loosing. Some were special and always will be throughout. Some I’m even forgetting the faces of. Some more years down the line someone will call me and maybe I won’t even be able to recognize him (though I’m very good at remembering people and all the incidents that have occurred in reference with them). Its so strange when i think we shared the same part of the universe for 4 long years. So much was built, but built on sand. And we never realized that… Never thought that it’ll be shattered one day and the pieces will be scattered all over the globe, in different cities.

The good part with working life is, nothing ever survives long enough for you to feel the pain later on, you make more colleagues and acquaintances than friends. So even if you switch job, or change team, or move to some offshore site… the significance of loss is very small.

Its ironic. People change, times change, situations change, but you just cannot force memories to change, can you? The guy who broke your heart will always be that, the guy who broke your heart. The friend whom you hugged first, would always be that, the huggable one.The person you had a secret crush on for years, will always be that, the one you had innocently loved… That’s who they are, that”s their identity. That’s what you built over the years. And what now? either they are already gone, or will be separated very soon, and what’ll be left will be just some lingering memories…

There’s so much we build. So much we carelessly leave behind to be swept by the tide of time. So much we loose, so less we gain… Yesterday I built all this, and today i’m loosing what i built…

  1. Kristin Brænne says:

  2. Prateek Jain says:

    "So much was built, but built on sand."Encapsulating..real awesome stuff…i see ur book in stores in sometime.

  3. Akshay Kumar says:

    stores don't know… but you can certainly find the first few chapters in my cubicle's drawer… hope my manager don't read this comment 😛

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